I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
