I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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