Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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