Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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