if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
