i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
