I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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