some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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