Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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