seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Randomize
