So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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