Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
