I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
