you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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