my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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