is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
