my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
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