You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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