I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
