I wish my penis had an off switch
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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