The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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