I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
me + whiskey = a bad person
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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