He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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