Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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