Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
and you fell through a lawn chair
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
