i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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