I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate all girls vehemently.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
