I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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