I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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