she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
