my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
