This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
