Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
