this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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