If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
