I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
