Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize