I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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