do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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