Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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