This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
