Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
