so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
