Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
