What did we do last night that was yellow?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
