remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
