We're like a lot better than the average bears
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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