so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
