was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
