Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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