: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
