it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
