You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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