It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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