Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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