He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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