haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
