in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
