The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
