He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
