She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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