dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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